Without Reason

I spent this summer searching for an answer. The question was ever-changing, but the intent remained the same. I thought I just wanted to figure myself out, but I discovered I was really attempting to figure the world out. You see, I am a person who is rarely satisfied. With herself, and with life. I’ve always believed I can achieve higher, love stronger, connect deeper and, most of all, live happier.

There’s a story about a little boy (John Lennon) who was given an assignment to write down what he wanted to be when she grew up. He wrote “happy.” The teacher told him that he didn’t understand the assignment. In response, he told the teacher: “you don’t understand life.”

Who am I kidding- I’m still searching for something. For now, let’s call it: unreasonable happiness; happiness without reason. But what is true “happiness”? And why do many find it so unattainable? We’re on a constant search for meaning. We chose either oblivion or bliss. Oblivion is easy. Bliss is the hard part. Sometimes this true “happiness” is merely a content. But they say, to be content is the hardest emotion of all.

The truth is, I’m tired of the BS. Until this point, I’ve lived my life trying to be amazing, trying to make others happy, believing that what society defines as success will make me happy in the end. I’m done with that. I’m done with overthinking my life, living my life on other’s standards, comparing myself to the unattainable, searching for approval and being unsatisfied until I, one day, somehow manage to achieve the impossible. Isn’t that what we all want? To reach a sort of undefinable success?
I’ve been resisting life- I’ve turned it into a hard math problem that I just can’t solve, no matter how damn hard I try. I’ve been living like I’m in a dream, letting the days pass by until this golden answer dawns on me. Although it’s somewhat inevitable, I want to avoid this habitual cycle of oblivion. I know I’m naturally a calm and happy soul, but there’s something blocking the way to ultimate happiness; something I have yet to figure out.
I never thought the day would come when I decide to start a blog, but I’m convinced it’s a decent way to track my thoughts. So here I am, sharing my journey, pondering my life, embracing my inquisitive nature, searching for my road to unreasonable happiness. Because, even in this crazy world, I know it can be achieved.
And, in the name of philosopher Ayn Rand, I ever-so gracefully end with this fitting quote:
 “In the name of the best within you, do not sacrifice this world to those who are its worst … Do not lose your knowledge that man’s proper estate is an upright posture, an intransigent mind and a step that travels unlimited roads. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it’s yours.”
I’m ready.

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